PREVIOUSLY
".....they set off towards the pub."
AND NOW.....
"I must let you know Gav, that I wasn't actually farming for Barley back there." Joseph explained. "The whole crop was diseased and I was cutting it down for compost. I'm afraid this season's been rather poor for crops"
"But, what about the beer?"
"Oh, there should still be plenty of beer left to get through the next few months at least.... wait..."
Joseph turns the radio up.
["...there is expected to be an unprecedented rainstorm that will literally flood everything. All species will be wiped out. There is good news however as local nutcase NOAH, who has been building his "spaceship" for the past three years, has now finished it but apparently something went wrong with the design and now, even though it sounds crazy, it miraculously floats on water. He has now decided to save the planet by saving two of every species. He will be taking his wife SARK with him leaving, quote "the rest of the human scum" unquote to die. Only two of every species will accompany him, no more, no less..."]
"Hey, that sounds pretty serious" remarked Joseph.
"Huh, what was that? I wasn't listening"
"They were saying that..."
Gav interrupts "Hold on, this sounds serious"
["..... shortage of beer following the news about the flooding as many have rushed to the pubs for one final session. All public houses in Jerusalem have completely sold out.]
TO BE CONTINUED
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 11 - The Beer Necessities
PREVIOUSLY
".....getting angrier by the second....."
AND NOW
"My straw. My bloody straw!" Joseph says to Gav as he points towards the crash. "That's that bloody Judas with my straw. And now you've just trampled all over my
crops. Why does everything always go wrong? WHY!?"
Joseph drops to his knees with his head in his hands. Gav bends down to him and
puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Cheer up mate, I'll buy you a beer."
"What?" Joseph replies.
"I'll buy you a beer. I noticed you're farming barley here. There must be a pub or something nearby to create this demand. Come on, take me to the pub, I'll buy you a beer, and we can talk about whatever you want."
Joseph stands up.
"Thanks...."
"Gav"
"Thanks Gav, I'm Joseph Brown, my friends call me Downtown. I know just the place."
"Thank Christ...."
"....It's his bloody fault I'm in this mess to start with" Joseph interrupts
"... Who?" asks Gav
"Never mind, I'll tell you later. replies Joseph.
"Well, it's been a good half hour since my last pint. I was getting desperate. Now if you'll be so kind Joseph. To the pub!"
Joseph leads Gav to his car and they set off towards the pub.
TO BE CONTINUED
".....getting angrier by the second....."
AND NOW
"My straw. My bloody straw!" Joseph says to Gav as he points towards the crash. "That's that bloody Judas with my straw. And now you've just trampled all over my
crops. Why does everything always go wrong? WHY!?"
Joseph drops to his knees with his head in his hands. Gav bends down to him and
puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Cheer up mate, I'll buy you a beer."
"What?" Joseph replies.
"I'll buy you a beer. I noticed you're farming barley here. There must be a pub or something nearby to create this demand. Come on, take me to the pub, I'll buy you a beer, and we can talk about whatever you want."
Joseph stands up.
"Thanks...."
"Gav"
"Thanks Gav, I'm Joseph Brown, my friends call me Downtown. I know just the place."
"Thank Christ...."
"....It's his bloody fault I'm in this mess to start with" Joseph interrupts
"... Who?" asks Gav
"Never mind, I'll tell you later. replies Joseph.
"Well, it's been a good half hour since my last pint. I was getting desperate. Now if you'll be so kind Joseph. To the pub!"
Joseph leads Gav to his car and they set off towards the pub.
TO BE CONTINUED
Friday, 24 July 2009
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 10 - The Straw-Shank Redemption
PREVIOUSLY
".... HERE COMES THE RANDOMNESS!....."
AND NOW.....
Jake lies there motionless and scared, the others pointing and jeering at him. He dare not move as the farmer approaches, scythe in hand, swinging with determination. Jake starts trembling.
"I don't want to be B-dweiser. Please Lord, save me."
Before the farmer takes another swing, the swing that would cleave Jake down, he gets a face full of straw from the flatbed and stops....
Gav saw nothing of this till he saw the farmer waving frantically at the incoming cloud of straw which distracted his non-concentration. Seeing the farmer, he decides to go down and ask him about the barley. Hopping over the wall and tramping across the field he sees the farmer now free of the straw staring at him, his gaze switching between his face and the tracks he's leaving in the field. He notices the farmer getting angrier by the second...
TO BE CONTINUED
".... HERE COMES THE RANDOMNESS!....."
AND NOW.....
Jake lies there motionless and scared, the others pointing and jeering at him. He dare not move as the farmer approaches, scythe in hand, swinging with determination. Jake starts trembling.
"I don't want to be B-dweiser. Please Lord, save me."
Before the farmer takes another swing, the swing that would cleave Jake down, he gets a face full of straw from the flatbed and stops....
Gav saw nothing of this till he saw the farmer waving frantically at the incoming cloud of straw which distracted his non-concentration. Seeing the farmer, he decides to go down and ask him about the barley. Hopping over the wall and tramping across the field he sees the farmer now free of the straw staring at him, his gaze switching between his face and the tracks he's leaving in the field. He notices the farmer getting angrier by the second...
TO BE CONTINUED
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 9 - Jake 2.0
PREVIOUSLY
".....A field of Hordeum vulgare."
AND NOW.....
He salivates at the thought of Barley being ectracted from the Hordeum vulgare to be used in beer.
In this field of wild barley, one particular stalk, Jake was his name, was being teased by the other stalks.
"It's almost harvest time Jake"
"They're coming to take you Jake"
"What do you want to be made into Jake?"
"I want to be in beer"
"You're not good enough for real beer Jake, you'll end up in Budweiser"
"Why must you be so horrible?"
"You're a freak six-row, not like us normal two-rows, you're just animal feed"
"Get ready Jake, it's harvest time"
"HERE COME'S THE RANDOMNESS!!!!"
TO BE CONTINUED
".....A field of Hordeum vulgare."
AND NOW.....
He salivates at the thought of Barley being ectracted from the Hordeum vulgare to be used in beer.
In this field of wild barley, one particular stalk, Jake was his name, was being teased by the other stalks.
"It's almost harvest time Jake"
"They're coming to take you Jake"
"What do you want to be made into Jake?"
"I want to be in beer"
"You're not good enough for real beer Jake, you'll end up in Budweiser"
"Why must you be so horrible?"
"You're a freak six-row, not like us normal two-rows, you're just animal feed"
"Get ready Jake, it's harvest time"
"HERE COME'S THE RANDOMNESS!!!!"
TO BE CONTINUED
Monday, 6 July 2009
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 8 - The Man That Broke The Straw's Back
PREVIOUSLY
".... IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM"....." AND NOW.....
He watches in wonder as the idiot falls towards a flatbed loaded with straw. MEANWHILE....
Joseph is in his field tending to the crops whilst talking on the phone to Judas. ("Look Joseph, I know I'm late, but there have been some traffic problems. I will have the straw at your door by half past four. Or your money back!")
"But I haven't paid you yet".
("Just a new marketing gimmick I am trying out") Judas hangs up.
"And it should've been delivered last week too."
Joseph sighs.
"I knew Judas couldn't be trusted." Joseph says to himself as he notices a flatbed truck crash in the road next to his field shortly followed by a man crashing into the straw on the back of it which sends it everywhere.
Gav however does not notice this and instead, his attention has become fixed elsewhere. Across the street. On a field. A field of Hordeum Vulgare.
TO BE CONTINUED
".... IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM"....." AND NOW.....
He watches in wonder as the idiot falls towards a flatbed loaded with straw. MEANWHILE....
Joseph is in his field tending to the crops whilst talking on the phone to Judas. ("Look Joseph, I know I'm late, but there have been some traffic problems. I will have the straw at your door by half past four. Or your money back!")
"But I haven't paid you yet".
("Just a new marketing gimmick I am trying out") Judas hangs up.
"And it should've been delivered last week too."
Joseph sighs.
"I knew Judas couldn't be trusted." Joseph says to himself as he notices a flatbed truck crash in the road next to his field shortly followed by a man crashing into the straw on the back of it which sends it everywhere.
Gav however does not notice this and instead, his attention has become fixed elsewhere. Across the street. On a field. A field of Hordeum Vulgare.
TO BE CONTINUED
Monday, 29 June 2009
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 7 - Falling Down
PREVIOUSLY
".....a human body falling through the air."
AND NOW.....
Still slightly blinded from the dancing pattern of reflected light he watches the figure plummet further down. He can see the explosion of glass flying everywhere and thinks to himself 'boy, that run sure was tiring, I could do with a nice cold refreshing beer right now. It has been over thirty minutes since my last drink t...' His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the falling figure shouting "IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM"
TO BE CONTINUED
".....a human body falling through the air."
AND NOW.....
Still slightly blinded from the dancing pattern of reflected light he watches the figure plummet further down. He can see the explosion of glass flying everywhere and thinks to himself 'boy, that run sure was tiring, I could do with a nice cold refreshing beer right now. It has been over thirty minutes since my last drink t...' His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the falling figure shouting "IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM"
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 6 - The Race For Life
PREVIOUSLY
"..... towards the window......"
AND NOW.....
As he speeds up approaching the window, he throws his left leg forwards followed quickly by his right, placing his feet steadily on the floor. He passes a chair and nears a table, almost losing traction with his right foot and begins to skid before correcting it and continues running. He runs straight past the desk and accidentally knocks the table lamp from it with his left arm. Slowing down now as he approaches the window,he puts out his hands to act as bumpers against the wall. Stopping at the far side of the room, he opens the window and looks out. Momentarilly blinded by the falling shards of glass from the next room reflecting sunlight, he can just make out a human body falling through the air.
TO BE CONTINUED
"..... towards the window......"
AND NOW.....
As he speeds up approaching the window, he throws his left leg forwards followed quickly by his right, placing his feet steadily on the floor. He passes a chair and nears a table, almost losing traction with his right foot and begins to skid before correcting it and continues running. He runs straight past the desk and accidentally knocks the table lamp from it with his left arm. Slowing down now as he approaches the window,he puts out his hands to act as bumpers against the wall. Stopping at the far side of the room, he opens the window and looks out. Momentarilly blinded by the falling shards of glass from the next room reflecting sunlight, he can just make out a human body falling through the air.
TO BE CONTINUED
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 5 - Unbreakable
PREVIOUSLY
"......CRACK....."
AND NOW.....
Gav jumps up startled at the loud noise coming from the next room and says "For Unholy Christ's Knackers, what was that?"
The masseuse - still bewildered by the whole event could only respond with "That's a bit of a mouthfull, maybe you shoud try anacronysing it"
Hearing glass in the next room shatter, he says "step back, I need to see what's happening" He takes a few steps back, steadies himself, and runs towards the window......
TO BE CONTINUED
"......CRACK....."
AND NOW.....
Gav jumps up startled at the loud noise coming from the next room and says "For Unholy Christ's Knackers, what was that?"
The masseuse - still bewildered by the whole event could only respond with "That's a bit of a mouthfull, maybe you shoud try anacronysing it"
Hearing glass in the next room shatter, he says "step back, I need to see what's happening" He takes a few steps back, steadies himself, and runs towards the window......
TO BE CONTINUED
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 4 - Broke Back Mountain
PREVIOUSLY
"......Would you like a blo...."
AND NOW.....
"Would you like a bloody good massage sir? You look like you need one after that fall outside."
"I'd much rather have an ice cold beer please." came the reply.
"I'm sorry, we're all out of beer, we haven't been able to get any from our suppliers. A shortage or something."
"I suppose I'll have that massage then."
He is led upstairs to a secluded room where he is asked to de-robe and lie down. The masseuse places his hands on his back, applies pressure and ...CRACK!.....
TO BE CONTINUED
"......Would you like a blo...."
AND NOW.....
"Would you like a bloody good massage sir? You look like you need one after that fall outside."
"I'd much rather have an ice cold beer please." came the reply.
"I'm sorry, we're all out of beer, we haven't been able to get any from our suppliers. A shortage or something."
"I suppose I'll have that massage then."
He is led upstairs to a secluded room where he is asked to de-robe and lie down. The masseuse places his hands on his back, applies pressure and ...CRACK!.....
TO BE CONTINUED
The Sober Chronicles - Chapter 3 - Happy Endings
PREVIOUSLY
'...as it said ".....'
AND NOW.....
....."Have you seen what time it is?" Looking at his watch, Gav realises that it's almost closing time. He sets off running as fast as he can but soon falls over after being hit with cramp. Looking up he notices he fell outside a massage parlour. He enters and is approached by a well-built blonde woman who asked "Would you like a blo...."
TO BE CONTINUED
'...as it said ".....'
AND NOW.....
....."Have you seen what time it is?" Looking at his watch, Gav realises that it's almost closing time. He sets off running as fast as he can but soon falls over after being hit with cramp. Looking up he notices he fell outside a massage parlour. He enters and is approached by a well-built blonde woman who asked "Would you like a blo...."
TO BE CONTINUED
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)